Mommys Not Mad at You Honey

In my life right now I find myself wrapped up in a lot of pain and heartache.  Some from a marriage that is struggling to communicate effectively at times.  Some from old wounds being revisited.  Some from new events that I have yet to process, others from a frustration with myself and the way I struggle to put my feelings into thoughts sometimes.  Today the combination of all of these things came out in actions that were less than impressive.
You see, I came home from work and it must have been obvious that I was hurting.  My two year old greeted me at the door and hugged me tightly while kissing my cheek to tell me she had missed me all day.  I cried as she squeezed me because, well sometimes a two year old can do that to you.  After dinner she snuggled up on my lap and continued to offer comfort by running her fingers through my hair and offering endless snotty nosed kisses (the best kind of course).  She muttered the words “you okay mommy?” And the tears continued to flow as I told her I was okay.  Whether or not I believed those words at that moment, I knew it was the right thing to say.  At least I thought it was.

It wasn’t long before I continued to lay there holding her and wondering why it was so hard for me to just say “no baby, mommy isn’t okay, but we’re gonna all get through this together.”  I wondered why I wasn’t more honest or why I was trying to hush her concerns instead of embracing them and showing her I appreciated her taking notice.  I quickly found myself frustrated and had to step out of the room.  At this point, my two year old began crying and asking “where did mommy go?”.  I sat in the other room listening to her cry and wept because it pained me to hear.  I wept because while my two year old was trying to comfort me, I just wanted the hurt and heartache to minimize long enough to take a deep breath and calm down.  I wept because I realized that my building of anger was interpreted by her as a reaction to her attempt at loving on me.  I wept because that isn’t what I wanted my daughter to see in that brief moment.
You see, I want my daughter to grow up knowing I’m not mad at her for being assertive of my feelings.  I want my daughter to know that sometimes we are broken individuals and that doesn’t make us weak.  I want my daughter to see me or her daddy cry and know that joy comes in the sorrow.  I want my daughter to see hope in pain instead of only heartbreak.  I want my daughter to learn that empathy is a welcomed trait and that genuine love and concern is what builds intimacy, even between a two and twenty-something year old.
As a parent, sometimes I’m so grateful for do-overs.  But honey, until I get it right, please remember, mommys not mad at you.  

Posted by

I am a wife and full-time working mom who’s journey through every day life is sometimes sloppy and sometimes not. This is a place where I write openly about the joys and the struggles that I encounter throughout my day. My hope is that it can be a conversation starter for tough topics and that it can provide a sense of comfort for others who are journeying through similar situations.

4 thoughts on “Mommys Not Mad at You Honey

  1. Very impressive; been there, done that, but it still makes me sad whenever I know another person is crying, because for the most part tears are brought on by many of life’s frustrations, and are not always happy emotional tears. So, hopefully you never have a real reason for tears brought about by unhappiness; I know that we as women, are inclined to release tears over many things that are not always happiness; tiredness, worry, stress, all of which I hope you do not have. Prayers for your little family. Wanda Gish


  2. Oh that’s sweet Jennifer. I hope you told her so. What a sweet little girl you have! I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I hope you find the strength to get past it. Life is all about ups and downs and hopefully this too shall pass. ❤


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s